Where to start...

I actually have written a few entries here since my last, and then something happened to it...I lose it somehow. Despite that...let me explain the chaos that has been my life for the last 2 weeks or so.

Nate was scheduled for a "simple" surgery that I was concerned about only because I didn't want to see him in pain. I never thought about any complications. Nate has a great way of having the persona of being invincible (without being cocky.)

His surgery was scheduled for 2/12.

On the 11th I had a GYN appointment. I have been having problems for a while and I really needed to do something about it. Ever since my ruptured ovarian cyst from 2 months ago I have had a lot of break through pain and some odd bleeding. I innocently went to him thinking that he would tell me that everything would be just fine and we'll just have another scope and be done with it.

So, he comes in, examines me...and looks at me and says..."do you want a hysterectomy?" I was dumbfounded. I literally said..."what?"

Then he continues, " I just don't think that there is any other option now...we have scoped you so many times before and your issues are only getting worse, a hysterectomy is the only cure."

Now, I know that. That is not a surprise to me. But I wasn't expecting this at 27. I want to have another child. I have been spending time daydreaming about how wonderful it would be to have a child with Nate.

But the appointment left me with the decision that he would do an exploratory scope and rid me of any/all scarring and only if it's really bad will he go further with it. So, basically I will now know until I come out of anesthesia my child bearing fate. Wonderful.

That delight is scheduled for next month, the 27th to be exact.

The next day Nate goes into surgery. (you can google "pilonidal cyst" if you are interested and don't forget to look at all the great images that go with that..I am warning you, some are graphic.) All goes according to plan until the surgeon open him up...and there is more involved then he anticipated...great. So he leaves Nate's wound open for healing. Seriously, it's a huge sacral wound. I couldn't believe they sent him home with such a large open wound.

I was feeling pretty crappy that day. And now I am really worried about how I am going to handle this working 24 hour shifts. I requested off the weekend after his surgery, but my request was denied. By the end of tuesday I was in a lot of pain (sinus and ear wise) and decided that I would have to make an appointment with my doc the next day.

At my doctor it was determined that I had a double ear infection and a sinus infection. So I got a prescription for that...so I was on the road to recovery so I could take care of Nate. He wasn't doing so well so between me not feeling great and him being in extraordinary pain I called out for the weekend.

We had an episode where he had some relatively serious bleeding from his wound, but after holding pressure on it for a while it stopped and he just laid flat for a while.

The follow up appointment with the surgeon went okay, he was happy with the healing process. I figured he would say either that or it looked horrible. I guess that the 3 to 4 to 5 packing and dressing changes a day were doing him well and I was doing it "right."

I was nervous to leave him this morning for work for 24 hours...but he has been doing well the past few days. But I called my boss and told him that I needed to go home a few times to change his packing...and my boss was okay with that. Well, before I could get over there the first time Nate calls me and explains that he is bleeding.

Being the calm guy that he is it didn't initially concern me that he called because he sounded so collected on the phone, until I asked how badly he was bleeding. And his answer scared me...he asked that I come right away because he was bleeding pretty badly. To Nate, nothing is bad. So when he says it's bad...it's bad.

So my partner and I go in the ambulance, while in route I call my boss and I take the ambulance out of service to the public (thankfully we did because not too long after we got there we got a call that went to the next due ambulance.) My partner stayed out in the ambulance while I went inside.

I knew as soon as I walked in the room that something needed to be done, and whatever that was, it wasn't happening in that room. I said to him that we needed to call the surgeon...but he wanted me to look at it first. He was doing a pretty good job of holding gauze over his wound, but he really couldn't put pressure on it with the location of where it was. So when I removed the gauze I tried to stay as calm as possible, but I was scared to death...the entire left side of his wound was split open in the middle and it was just gushing.

So, we called the surgeon's office and they said to come in right away. So, off we go in the ambulance. We get there, and there isn't a doctor in the office. The nurse was so harsh and hard on his wound and basically only concurred with my "something needs to be done" determination. So she calls Nate's doctor and he tells her that she needs to cauterize it. She told us that she could do it, or we could go to the ER. Poor Nate was in so much pain that he just wanted to get it over with. This nurse was not very reassuring and brought another nurse in the room because she was so insistent that she needed help because it was so bad. Then they were having this conversation in front of Nate about how bad this was and how this should NOT be happening 10 days after his surgery. I felt like slapping them...you don't say that in front of him. My goodness.

They wanted to try one kind of cauterizing method...no, maybe we should try this one. Then ANOTHER nurse walks in and was like "what do you want to use to numb it?" And the first nurse was so dramatic and says "there's no time to numb it!" And proceeds to burn his wound. It took every ounce of self control to not slap this woman. I wanted to speak up so bad, but Nate was in so much pain, and I knew whatever I said would delay his much needed treatment. I was afraid that it would tick him off since I am not a nurse and they were, and I shouldn't question them. Anyone good in health care knows that even if you DON'T know what you are doing, at least PRETEND in front of the family!

Nate was really a trooper through this whole thing. I think I caught a glimpse of what men feel when their women are in labor, and there is nothing that they can do about the pain. Only Nate couldn't yell at me about this being my fault!

I am exhausted. I feel horrible for my husband. And Ty has been amazing through all of this. He actually had an awesome week...Jenn, Coby and Ella came up monday and then tuesday he has a playdate with a preschool friend, and then wednsday a preschool mom picked Ty up for me so I could take Nate to his follow up appointment, so Ty spent the afternoon with his best friend from preschool. He was loving life. He has been very understanding with me changing Nate's "band aid" because it takes about 10-15 minutes each time I had to do it, and he knows that I had to be left alone to do it. ( I don't want him to see Nate's wound )

But that's why I haven't really been around posting much. It's all a day in the life of me.

Living the dream: Tropical paradise sounds really good right now.